Valentine’s Day a springboard for rest of year

Although Feb. 14 is an important day for relationships, local marriage and sex therapist Todd Creager says, it’s not the only day.

“Use Valentine’s Day as a springboard for the next 364 days to be romantic. And if you think that day is a rip-off, just look at it as a reminder to value your relationship,” he said.

In Creager’s new book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” he attempts to dispel the myth that ardor goes away as a marriage lengthens. Creager then offers ways to build a more passionate marriage.

“For Valentine’s Day, flowers are fine, but if you could do something more from the heart, it scores even more points,” he said.

“Write a love note, or buy a card and add something to it; don’t just sign your name. Write down what you appreciate about that person. Put a little time into it, rather than buying flowers at the last minute. But if all else fails, just buy flowers!”

Creager, a Fountain Valley resident with a private practice in Huntington Beach, takes a historical approach in his book, saying that most people model their marriages after those of their parents and grandparents, who usually were not likely to develop their interpersonal skills and strengthen the bond that created their marriage, despite the best of intentions.

“The myth is that passion and marriage don’t go together,” Creager said. “I see couples coming in, and that’s their belief. But I find that with many of my couples, that’s just not true. I felt like I needed a way to reach more people, so I started writing, and it just flowed.”

His book has received endorsements from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” author John Gray and Oprah expert Harville Hendrix, who wrote “Getting the Love You Want.”

Creager got the idea for the book after more than 25 years in private practice, he said, after observing the same roadblocks again and again in his clients: the lack of growth in partners’ perceptions of each other, and the ineffective ways people deal with emotional pain together.

He also draws on his own experience of 25 years of marriage for his book.

“Same woman, first wife, first marriage,” Creager said, laughing.

Creager said that since the book’s release, he’s received comments from readers that they are actually saving money because they’ve stopped their therapy early; that it’s the best book on relationships that they’ve ever read; and that he makes difficult concepts easy to understand.

Although the majority of the book’s readers are local, it has been purchased by people from other states as well.

Creager’s future plans include a teleseminar series and an audio program.

He offers the following tips to those struggling to keep the passion alive:

1. “The first step is to recognize that in anything that’s challenging — whether it’s skiing an advanced slope or playing the piano — requires a teacher to show you how to do it. As a general rule, our parents and grandparents didn’t have that. Be open to possibility. If you’re willing to make your relationship an interpersonal adventure, you can have the kind of relationship your parents didn’t have. The catch is that it requires you to do and say things that you haven’t done or said before.

2. “Become aware of how you perceive your partner, like if you think of them as a nag, controlling or a bad listener. When we perceive that, we oftentimes don’t realize how much we continue to make that happen. Use your imagination to perceive the absolute best of your partner, even if it’s not based on past history. You will talk to and look at them differently, and they will change.

3. “In the heat of the moment, perceive your partner as an ally, not an enemy. If I perceive you as my enemy, I’ll treat you as my enemy. When your partner does a hurtful thing, attribute the most benign motive to it. Usually the motive isn’t to hurt you; it’s to protect them. And definitely don’t hash things out while you’re upset; there’s a difference between connecting and venting. Venting is a solo act. Calm yourself down so that you’re sharing, in a way that makes it easy for the other person to receive your thoughts and emotions.

4. “Spend just two minutes each day asking yourself, ‘What can I say or do that will uplift the energy of my partner?’ It doesn’t matter if it’s a text message that says, ‘I think you’re beautiful,’ or a $200 dinner. Just do it. Make it a habit. After the honeymoon part of a marriage, we have to make an effort; then, the in-love feelings follow.

5. “Learn to develop the emotional muscle to stay connected to your partner, even as they are expressing negative feelings to you. We haven’t been trained to do this. Draw out of them what they are feeling; be interested and curious. It’s like a game of catch: if they throw a ball and you catch it, if feels more satisfying for both of you than if you watch it drop to the ground. Men, you have 960 waking minutes a day. If you could be in your head for 950 instead of 960, and spend just 10 minutes being into your partner’s feelings, miracles happen.”

For more information on Creager or “The Long, Hot Marriage,” visit toddcreager.com or thelonghotmarriage.com.

CANDICE BAKER may be reached at (714) 966-4631 or at [email protected].