COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

Now what do we do? No time for funny stuff this week. This is huge.

There is a major, global, giganormous problem that must be solved immediately, if not sooner. If everything goes according to plan, it will all be taken care of at the stroke of midnight on Wednesday, which is New Year’s Eve, which falls on Dec. 31 this year. So what’s the problem? I’ll try to explain it to you, but being a layman, it may be hard for you to understand.

Do you know what an atomic clock is? Atomic clocks are super-accurate time-keeping devices the world depends on for things like global positioning, or GPS systems. Despite the name, atomic clocks aren’t radioactive. They keep time by tracking a signal that electrons in atoms emit when they change energy levels.

They are the most accurate clocks in the history of clocks, which goes back to the beginning of time, which is funny because there were no clocks back then since time hadn’t started yet.

Why should you care about atomic clocks and GPS systems and the fact that they are obsessive-compulsive about accuracy?

You don’t have to, but I would. Even if you don’t have one in your car, GPS systems are what keep airplanes and other things on time and on course, which is extremely handy when you’re going 540 miles an hour at 34,000 feet over the Atlantic in the middle of the night. The problem is that atomic clocks and traditional clocks are getting out of sync. Traditional clocks are tied to the rotation of the earth — 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day; clock strikes midnight and repeat.

Are atomic clocks really much more accurate? You make me laugh. I like that. Today’s atomic clocks are accurate up to one second — every 200 million years. Traditional clocks? Not so much. The best ones tick or tock plus or minus one second every few years, which is a lot more than one every 200 million years. Do you see the problem? If they don’t adjust things every so often you end up with the clocks of the world going “tick-tock-tock-ka-tock-tick- tock-ka-tick,” which is not good.

Right now, atomic clocks are ahead of the earth’s rotation by about six-tenths of a second. But at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, time will stop, atomically speaking. At exactly 23:59:59 Wednesday night, the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service — a fancy name for the world’s timekeepers — are adding a “Leap Second” to the world’s atomic clocks to get everyone ticking and tocking at the same time.

You won’t know it and you won’t feel it, which might be more a function of where you are and what you’re doing on New Year’s Eve, but when they crank up the atomic clocks again one second later, everything will be purring like a fat cat on an alpaca rug beside the fire. See? I told you everything would work out. You just have to trust me with these things.

Speaking of where you are and what you’re doing on New Year’s Eve, here are a few possibilities if you haven’t made your pick yet:

You could try New Year’s Eve in Sydney, Australia, which prides itself on being the world’s first New Year’s rager every year.

If you like your New Year’s parties a little off-center, try Spain, where tradition dictates that you eat 12 grapes in the 12 seconds before midnight. Spaniards are so serious about it that markets and street vendors sell packets of exactly 12 grapes so you can pop them open when the big moment arrives and not even count them.

If you’re looking for something a little more romantic than precision grape popping, head for the Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro, where partygoers dressed all in white flock to the beach before midnight and plant thousands of candles in the sand, then pop the champagne and toast Yemanja, the Brazilian goddess of the sea.

Personally, we’re opting for something closer to home. A lot closer. We’re getting fully fluffed and folded — which is not easy in my case — and heading for the New Year’s Eve Black-Tie Gala at the Balboa Bay Club, where you can welcome the New Year with elegance, style and two pumps of fun.

Every year, like clockwork, give or take six-tenths of a second, BBC Maestro Henry Schielein and his culinary miracle workers put together a very stylish nod to New Year’s with fine wines and food that will bring a tear to your eye and leave your cardiologist deeply disappointed in you.

But I say when the state is imploding and the economy is on life support just might be the perfect time to drag out the tux and the gown, turn toward Wall Street and say, “Oh yeah? Is that all you got?” A world-class dinner and first-cabin wine pairings at the Bay Club, all accompanied by a live band, which is way better than a dead band — it’s New Year’s Eve done well.

There you have it. One second, twelve grapes, a midnight samba on the Copacabana and a Veuve Cliquot at the Balboa Bay Club. Just because we’re going broke doesn’t mean we have to be dull.

Have the best New Year’s ever and may 2009 be the year that all our dreams come true. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].