OUR LAGUNA: The gifts you must regift

A lump of coal in your stocking is the time-honored threat. Compared to some presents, that might be an improvement. Some are real bummers, but some are just duds, in spite of the best of intentions.

Would you believe the worst present my husband and I ever gave our three sons was plane tickets to Hawaii?

We thought it would be a nice change for the family to celebrate the New Year in the islands water skiing instead of snow skiing in Lake Tahoe, as we traditionally did. The guys were grief-stricken when they opened what was supposed to be their “Oh wow!” present. Then they made a bee line for the telephone — this was pre-cellular and no way were my teenagers going to each have a private phone.

I heard one of them moaning, “We have to go to Hawaii.” Not exactly the reaction I expected.

But it’s pretty funny in retrospect.

Here’s some flubs that brought smiles — in some cases outright laughter and one or two sniffles.

Liza Stewart admitted with a grin that she once sent Sponge Bob Square Pants boxer shorts to a cousin.

Now that is gross.

Former City Councilwoman Cheryl Kinsman copped to sending her sister-in-law a “horrible” present: a clear plastic sleeve to make a baguette.

“The worst gift I ever gave was when I was a newlywed,” Arts Commissioner Nancy Beverage said. “It was my first Christmas with my in-laws and we had all decided to be frugal and give gag gifts. I bought a pepper plant for my mother in law, but I am a terrible gardener and I forgot to water it.

“On Christmas Day, a little nephew, 3 or 4 years old, touched the dried peppers and rubbed his eyes. That ended Christmas.”

It could have ended some marriages, but husband Gary Beverage broke into laughter at the memory.

Kate Tschudin’s recollection was heart-broken rather than happy-go-lucky.

“I bought an Aloha Airlines gift certificate for my husband — and then they shut down,” Tschudin lamented. “That was the worst.”

Attorney Larry Nokes’ flop was a fish story.

“I sent my mother a lobster bake from Phillips Fish House by Fed Ex,” Nokes said. “She wasn’t home — she had gone out of town for a few days and they left it with a neighbor. When she got back and opened it, it almost exploded.”

Revenge is a dish best served old.

“The worst gift I ever got was a fruit cake from my aunt,” Nokes said. “It came with the price tag dated over a year old.”

Hey, with some fruitcakes, who could tell the difference between fresh and stale.

But you’d be amazed how bad presents linger in the memory.

Mike Kinsman was only 6 when his cousins sent him some used LPs (long-playing records, for you younger folks).

“They were rewrapped, but scratched,” Kinsman said. “They also sent me a pop gun with ping pong balls, but the handle was broken.”

Believe it or not he’s still in contact with the relatives.

“I actually like them,” Kinsman said.

The Orange County bankruptcy right after J.J. Gasparotti was elected to the Laguna Beach County Water District board still sticks in his craw.

Some bad gifts keep on giving.

“A relative gave me a toy that was totally inappropriate for my age,” former Mayor Wayne Peterson said. “It made me realize that that the family member giving it to me didn’t have a clue. I regifted it to him the next Christmas.”

One year, Warren Haines was given an ugly ceramic tray shaped like a pig to hold change.

“I gave it back the next year and it went back and forth for about 10 years,” Gaines said.

Mary Ferguson couldn’t come up with one bad gift she had ever given or gotten.

“There is no such thing as a bad gift,” she said.

Dr. Alan Kristal was given a plastic parrot that repeated what you said to it and flapped its wings.

“I love it,” Kristal said.

Well, some gifts just can’t be loved. To paraphrase: hate the gift, not the giver.

Chris Loidolt’s worst Christmas was when one of her kids gave her the flu.

“NOT a good gift,” Loidolt said.

Jim McBride shared his case of the flu with his whole family.

Achoo as well as boo hoo.

Arts Commission Chairwoman Pat Kollenda’s all time worst present came from her grandmother and great aunt.

“They gave me a quilt made from old men’s ties with a flannel backing,” Kollenda said.

Not sure if the men or the ties were old.

“The worst gift I ever got was from my ex-husband,” said Joan Gladstone, now happily married to someone else. “He gave me a bathroom scale and told me if I gained more than five pounds over my wedding weight, we were done and I said take back or I’m throwing it out the window.”

She could have pitched him out the window, but divorce is less messy.

“Ex” was also a key word in Stephany Skenderian’s recollection of a less than perfect gifts — she’s such a nice person.

Her former mother-in-law once gave her a plastic brush, comb and mirror set.

Skenderian should have done what Bob Dietrich did when a business associate gave him a bag of doggie waste and a $5 bill.

“I gave it back,” Dietrich said.

Gayle Waite remembers one Christmas present that never made the grade.

“I wanted an English racing bicycle, but I got a no-speed Spaulding,” Waite said. “And I had to share it with my sister.”

Try pedaling one of those up Park Avenue and you’d probably want to share. But it was only one Christmas.

Terry Smith’s sad saga went on for more than 10 years.

“My grandmother used to give me sample-size things like gargle from the time I was 4 until I was 15,” Smith recalled with a wince.

Waste Management’s Michelle Clark took about two seconds to blurt, “Two maternity outfits.”

Well, I can top that.

How about giving a kid the day after Christmas as his birthday?

Christmas of 1959, I was very pregnant. My due date was Dec. 30 and my husband was convinced I would be late, as I had been with our first child, Kevin, and we would miss the tax right-off.

No pressure there!

But Christmas morning I woke up in labor. I called my godmother to tell her we wouldn’t make it to her house for dinner, as was our tradition.

But our second son, Kenny, wasn’t born until Dec. 26, which is even worse than being born Christmas Day. You either get what you want for Christmas and your birthday is a bust or vice versa.

We picked put a mid-year date for his birthday party until he and his brothers began to ski and we started the Tahoe tradition. Except for that one year.

OUR LAGUNA is a regular feature of the Laguna Beach Coastline Pilot. Contributions are welcomed. Write to Barbara Diamond, P.O. Box 248, Laguna Beach, 92652; hand-deliver to Suite 22 in the Lumberyard, 384 Forest Ave.; call (949) 494-4321; fax (949) 494-8979 or e-mail [email protected]