COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

They’re back, they’re fat and above all, they are loud.

Not the Simpsons — the sea lions. It’s déjà vu all over again in Newport Harbor, just like 2005. The sea lions have returned, with a vengeance, and enough flopping, roaring and barking to wake the dead.

One or two of those laughable, lovable sea chubbies with the big flippers and the funny honk can be charming. But 80 or a 100 of them — not so much.

The problem is something called “hauling out.” Sea lions don’t like to spend all their time in the water. It makes their skin all wrinkly and ruins their hair. They will haul out of the water and lie around like half-ton sloths for up to eight hours a day.

I can relate, except I do that at night, in a recliner. Sea lions will pull themselves out of the water on anything they can hoist their blubbery selves onto — land, docks, boats, buoys, doesn’t matter.

Once they stake out a spot and set out their chairs, a little cheese, some prosecco, a nice pasta salad with pesto, they claim their spot by honking, a lot, which drives everyone nearby slowly, or quickly, insane.

Three years ago to the day, a rowdy group of the big salty boys threw a major rager to celebrate Labor Day Weekend 2005 on a 37-foot sailboat and took it straight to the bottom, which is annoying, especially if it happens to be your boat. What’s a landlubber to do? As it turns out, not much.

Sea lions are protected by a long list of state and federal laws, not the least of which is the United States Marine Mammal Protection Act, which makes harassing and/or harming a sea lion a federal offense.

Over the years, the city, boat owners and property owners around the Harbor have tried a little bit of everything to get them to ship out, but mostly the sea lions either yawn or honk at them until they go away.

My mouse and I searched and searched and finally found a list of “Potential Deterrence Methods for Pacific Harbor Seals and California Sea Lions” on the website of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

As is always the case when Washington tries to help, some of it makes sense and some of it leaves you scratching your head. Under “Barriers & Exclusion Devices,” you can use fencing, netting, swim step protectors and bull rails, assuming anyone knows what bull rails are.

The standout item in this category though is “electric livestock fencing.” Exactly where do we put the electric fence? The “Visual Repellants” category gets even stranger. You can use flags, pinwheels or streamers; flashing lights, strobes or balloons. Yeah, that should do it.

There are 28 humongous sea lions lying on your dock belching and honking, but as soon as you unleash that pinwheel and the streamers, they are gone, out the door, down the road. Nothing scares the pee out of a thousand-pound sea lion like a pinwheel.

Wait, NOAA has more ideas. Under “Noise Makers,” we find horns, whistles, bells, Acoustic Harassment Devices (I thought that’s what all these were), banging on pots, pans, drums (I’m not making this up), empty aluminum cans on a string (why do they have to be on a string?) and my personal favorite — clapping. Of course, clapping. Why didn’t I think of that?

If you think sea lions are scared of pinwheels, you should see how terrified they are when you get out there and clap really hard. Sometimes you have to do it two or three times, but clapping always works.

Continuing the noise theme, NOAA recommends music (no suggestions about what kind), pyrotechnics, “e.g. bird screamers, bangers, firecrackers, starter pistols and propane cannons.” I had to look up bird screamers and propane cannons. They’re industrial noisemakers to scare away birds and crop pests.

Now we’re getting somewhere. Don’t harass the sea lions, but if you want to run around firing starter pistols and propane cannons to scare them away, the feds are good with that.

Wait, we’re still not done, and we’ve saved the best for last: “Physical Contact.” You can use high or low pressure hoses, sprinklers, sprayers, crowder boards and bull poles (no idea what those are) and the best sea lion deterrents I have ever heard, drum roll please … cattle prods, slingshots, non-toxic paintball guns and toy water pistols such as “Super Soaker.”

First of all, I believe a cattle prod is about 24 inches long. I encourage anyone who wants to try it to walk right up to one of those bad boys and zap him with a cattle prod from two feet away.

I don’t think it’ll make him leave, but I suspect it’ll make him really, really mad. If that doesn’t work, there is always the Super Soaker. Apparently, sea lions are scared to death of water, and at the first sign of a squirt gun, they scatter. See? That’s why you need experts from Washington to explain this stuff.

What will happen to the sea lions? Just as I predicted after the last Invasion of the Sea Fatties, whatever the sea lions want to happen, no more and no less.

When you weigh 1,200 pounds, can roar really loud and have really bad breath, you are large and in-charge and you get to honk whenever and wherever you want. It’s the law.

I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].