ON THE TOWN:Changes await Newport-Mesa

For those readers who are not familiar with the history of this column at this time of year, it is a tribute to Jeron “Criswell” King, an actor and author best known as a psychic with a reputation for outlandish predictions.

From Wikipedia, one can learn that “Criswell authored several books of predictions, including 1968’s ‘Criswell Predicts: From Now to the Year 2000.’

In this book, the author claimed that Denver would be struck by a ray from space that would cause all metal to adopt the qualities of rubber, leading to horrific accidents at amusement parks. He also predicted an outbreak of mass cannibalism and the end of the world.”

Like the broken clock that is right twice a day, once in a while Criswell got it right.

In March 1963, Criswell predicted that President John F. Kennedy would not run for reelection in 1964 because “something would happen to him in November 1963.” (Kennedy was assassinated in November 1963.)

The message here: Anyone can produce a year in review; it takes a nut case to stick his neck out and predict the future.

So, with great respect to the brave Criswell, here are my predictions for Newport-Mesa for 2007.

1. The city of Newport Beach will decide against building a new city hall. Instead, the City Council will implode the old one and create the nation’s first virtual city hall — a 100% online city government.

2. In response to the virtual city hall, which includes virtual plan checks, contractors will decide to pay permit fees with virtual money.

3. Taking a cue from Costa Mesa, the current city hall will be torn down to make way for the city’s first oil change store.

4. The Marriott Hotel at Fashion Island will realize a huge mistake was made in getting rid of the View restaurant and bar that occupied the top floor and will open up a rooftop lounge. The lounge will be equipped with telescopes for people-watching and activities will include arm-wrestling contests and parasailing.

5. The Orange County Fairgrounds in Costa Mesa will be converted into an arboretum, similar to the one in Los Angeles. This one, however, will feature canals in which everyone will smile as you drift past cellophane flowers of yellow and green that tower over your head.

6. The stretch of Newport Boulevard from 17th Street to 19th Street will be declared a disaster area.

7. Hoag Hospital will grow to the point where it will become the county’s newest city.

8. After Hoag leads the way, Fashion Island will declare itself an actual island and demand foreign aid from the federal government.

9. A medical marijuana clinic will be opened in Newport Beach in exchange for the closure of 12 bars, liquor stores and other outlets that sell alcohol, the abuse of which will finally be recognized as the real root of all evil.

10. The noise issues at John Wayne Airport will be resolved after the development of the first passenger version of the vertical take-off and landing jets. These jets will rise 3,000 feet in the air before rocketing to their destinations.

11. USC will defeat Michigan at the Rose Bowl, 27-17. The local curmudgeons who resent the presence of so many USC fans will be forced to wear a scarlet T (for Trojans) on their chests for one year, when USC will play for the national championship.

To those who plan go out New Year’s Eve and party, there are several options for getting home besides driving yourself. Please exercise one of them.

To all readers, have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.