The hot summer of 1776

You may remember. You may not. It’s been quite a while since I told you the story of July 4, 1776. See if any of this rings a bell.

Two hundred thirty years ago, the American Colonies and England were not getting along. They were fighting and arguing and saying ugly, hurtful things to each other, and holiday dinners were strained and awkward. Things got so bad that the Colonies went to war with England in 1775 and decided to formally declare their independence in the very hot summer of 1776, which was especially hot in Philadelphia.

How hot was it?

It was so hot the cheese was melting before they put it on the steaks. Even Geno’s was closed. They had a sign on the door: “No cheese steaks. It’s too hot. Go away.”

At Independence Hall, some really smart men in really silly clothes representing each of the 13 Colonies had been meeting for weeks. Thomas Jefferson, who was very tall and very smart and even worse at deadlines than I am, had finally finished the document that would become the Colonies’ divorce decree from England. They called it the Declaration of Independence. They ratified it late in the day on July 4, 1776, then rushed outside to announce it to the world. They were very excited.

In describing the day and what they had accomplished, John Adams, who was always in a bad mood, wrote to his wife, Abigail, who was not: “It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other,” Adams said, “? from this time forward, forevermore.”

We still hear you, John, and we’re trying our best.

That’s what we’ll be celebrating for the 230th time on Tuesday ? America’s birthday. And for the 230th time, just as John Adams suggested, “illuminations” will be a part of the celebration, especially in Costa Mesa, where, thank goodness, it is still legal to make a joyful noise, and light, in honor of these United States.

But this year I got to wondering ? where did fireworks come from to begin with? Most of us have heard at one time or another that they came from China, as a byproduct of the invention of gunpowder. But when I dug a little deeper, the story, as Alice said, got curiouser and curiouser.

Supposedly, a Chinese cook accidentally discovered gunpowder about 2,000 years ago when he mixed three common kitchen ingredients of the time ? charcoal, sulfur and saltpeter. When he started heating the mixture, the egg timer wasn’t ticking long before the whole mess went ka-boom. He started to experiment and discovered that the powder would crackle if you sprinkled it on a fire, and if you packed the stuff into a bamboo tube and lighted it, you could really scare the neighbors.

There are a number of references to that anonymous Chinese cook and his red-hot mixture, but frankly, I’d have to see sworn statements and, if possible, some pictures. Exactly what is one trying to cook, if I may ask, with charcoal, sulfur and saltpeter? Why would you heat it up, and once you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, assuming you could, why on earth would you say, “Wait, let’s pack it into this tube and light this baby up.” I don’t get it.

The record gets a little more reliable when it gets to a Chinese monk named Li Tian, who lived in Hunan Province about 1,000 years ago. Supposedly, it was Li Tian who figured out how to use a small amount of black powder in tightly wrapped paper to create the first firecracker.

Things that go boom are important in Chinese culture because it was thought that ghosts and evil spirits could be scared away with loud noises. Firecrackers went over with such a bang that a temple was built in Hunan Province strictly to worship Li Tian after he had gone to the big fireworks show in the sky.

Marco Polo, who must have been the busiest explorer on earth, is credited with bringing gunpowder and some rudimentary fireworks back to Europe from China.

The Italians, who will use any excuse whatsoever to throw a party, were the first Europeans to manufacture fireworks on a large scale. That might explain why the largest fireworks companies in this country to this day are all Italian-American family-run businesses ? the Zambelli family, the Grucci family and the Rozzi family.

The Germans and British were right behind the Italians, and Queen Elizabeth I was so gaga about fireworks that she created the position of Royal Fire Master. In the late 19th century, the bright lights got colorful, when pyrotechnicians discovered that sodium and metallic salts, like strontium, copper and barium, each give off a distinctive color. In 1892, the highlight of the 400th anniversary celebration of Chris Columbus and his Excellent Adventure was a fireworks show over the Brooklyn Bridge that was called “the greatest show ever seen in the Western Hemisphere.”

In 1986, for the centennial celebration of the Statue of Liberty, the Italian-American fireworks dynasties worked together for the first time in history to create what is generally accepted as the greatest fireworks show ever seen, with hundreds of mortar tubes, 220 miles of wire, thousands of pounds of fireworks and 100 pyrotechnicians working on 30 barges around New York harbor.

There you have it ? fireworks, cheese steaks and America. By the way, if you’d like to see some fireworks that are safe to use right in your own home, go to www.njagyouth.org/Liberty.html and turn up your speakers. Very cool.

So happy birthday America ? and may God watch over our troops and bless this country forever and ever and ever, which is a long time.

Now go have fun, but make sure your brain is engaged before you light anything.

I gotta go.