Down, set, use those commas correctly

If I told you that my boyfriend Ted was a New England Patriots fan, which of the following three things could you also know with 100% certainty: 1. There’s been a lot of cussing at my house lately. 2. Ted’s real name is Theodore. 3. I have other boyfriends besides Ted.

If you picked No. 1, you’re wrong. You can’t know with 100% certainty that I’ve been subjected to a lot of loud swear words lately. He might have sworn off swearing. Or he could be a masochist. Either way, you can’t know for sure that my ears are still ringing.

No. 2 is wrong as well. The “New England” part should have tipped you off. For just about every other team in the country, fans named Ted are likely Theodores. But in Massachusetts, Teds are usually Edwards. For those of you who, like me, went to Florida public schools, I’ll save you 20 years of noodle scratching and just tell you that this means Massachusetts has only one Senator Kennedy.

That leaves No. 3. But before I go any further, I must point out that I didn’t say that my boyfriend Ted is a Patriots fan. I only hypothesized it. The truth is that my boyfriend, Ted, is a Patriots fan. And those little commas on either side make all the difference in the world. They mean that, no matter how much abuse my ear drums or coffee table endure on Sunday afternoons, he’s still my one and only.

Using commas is a lot like living with a sports fan -- at first it seems easy as pie, but once you learn more, it’s every bit as difficult as understanding why anyone thought to play a game with a ball that’s not shaped like a ball.

The comma’s main jobs are to signify pauses and to organize lists. In a sentence such as this one, the comma tells you when to pause, breathe and regroup. There’s a lot of fighting over whether a comma should appear before the “and” in such sentences, “pause, breathe, and regroup.” You don’t need to worry about it. Just know that there are two schools of thought on this and neither is God, so you can follow whichever school you like.

That’s the easy stuff.

A little harder is knowing that the comma is used to set of parenthetical information and therefore should not be used with things called “restrictive” clauses. Bear with me.

My sisters, who live in Florida, share my dislike of sports. The part set off with commas is “parenthetical” -- an extra bit of information not necessary to understanding the main point of the sentence. Most of us get these types of constructions right without even thinking about them. But in some situations, the absence of a few commas can make the difference between a good girlfriend and a rotten one.

That’s because, if commas set off extra information, their absence implies that the information is crucial.

For example: My sister Diane shocked me recently by taking interest in a Buccaneers game. I already told you that I have more than one sister, so the name Diane is crucial to knowing which sister I’m talking about. “Diane” is restrictive of the word “sister.” The name restricts the meaning to something narrower than just “my sister,” which could mean any of three people, not counting Patti Labelle. If I had only one sister then including her name in that sentence would in no way narrow down the potential meanings of “sister.” In such a case, her name would be just extra information.

So if I were to say that my boyfriend Ted liked the Patriots, you’d know I had other boyfriends besides Ted. But the truth is that my boyfriend, Ted, has nothing to worry about but Tom Brady’s next interception.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE is a freelance writer. She can be reached at [email protected].

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