All you never knew

PETER BUFFA

Dean Huffenpuffer, distinguished faculty, proud parents and, of

course, graduates: It is time once again across Newport-Mesa Land for

the commencement speech that will never be given, from the

commencement speaker who will never be asked to give it.

We gather to salute you, my antsy little graduating friends, who

have worked so hard to claim your seat here today, and if you haven’t

claimed it yet, just sit down anywhere -- you’re buggin’ me.

If only you could see yourselves as we see you at this moment --

wearing a satin dress and a goofy square hat with a yellow pompom

dangling from it -- you’d want to crawl in a hole.

You are about to cross one more of life’s thresholds, and the

questions you so desperately want answered are the same questions

that faced your parents, your grandparents, your great-grandparents,

your great-great-grandparents and your cousin. These are the

questions that matter -- the questions about life, love and

liposuction.

Here, in one poorly crafted and seemingly interminable speech, is

everything you need to know. Sit up straight and for the last time,

put the Silly String away. Don’t make me come down there.

Bert and Ernie on “Sesame Street” were named after Bert the cop

and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Maine is the only state with a one-syllable name.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in M-T. Only four

English words end in D-O-U-S -- tremendous, horrendous, stupendous

and hazardous -- and there is no English word that rhymes with

“orange.”

For extra credit: What is the one country whose name begins with

an A but doesn’t end in an A? Afghanistan. While we’re still on the

letter A, Al Capone’s business read “Used Furniture Sales.”

Thirty-five percent of people who use personal ads to find dates

are married.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. Try it. See? Do you have any

idea how ridiculous you look?

Do you know how many people signed the Declaration of Independence

on July 4, 1776? None. John Hancock, president of the Continental

Congress, and his secretary, Charles Thomson, signed it July 6. Most

of the rest signed it Aug. 2, but the last signature wasn’t added

until five years later.

Never buy anything over the phone or on television, especially

from an infomercial. Whatever someone wants to sell you over the

phone or on TV, you don’t need it.

When is the last time you slapped your head and said, “Darn it, I

forgot to buy one of those rotisseries that cooks two chickens at the

same time?” Never, that’s when.

Speaking of buying things over the phone, are you on the National

Do Not Call Registry yet? Don’t tell me you haven’t done that. There

have been three important inventions: the wheel, fire and the

National Do Not Call Registry.

If you haven’t registered your numbers yet, go to this website

immediately if not sooner: https://www.donotcall.gov. It really,

really does work. We were being driven mad by telemarketers with two

or three calls every evening. Now, I doubt we get two calls a month.

But wait. Don’t click that mouse yet. Now you can register your

cellphone numbers too. Is this a great country or what?

Let’s see. What else?

Oh yeah, Internet hoaxes and urban myths are surging again. Get to

know them so you can delete them unopened. Neither Microsoft nor AOL

nor anyone else is going to pay you for every time you forward that

dumb message.

“It was on the news” or “it was in USA Today” is an instant

tip-off that something is a hoax. There is no Wal-Mart manager whose

daughter is missing; there is no sick child who is going to benefit

from all the soda can tabs or whatever else you collect, and don’t

get me started on the Nigerian bank account scams. They are all

hoaxes and urban myths that are passed around and around on the

Internet, disappearing and reappearing in a never-ending cycle.

I guess that’s about it. There are many other questions, no less

important, that you’ll have to figure out yourself.

Like, why do they only put up pictures of the 10 Most Wanted in

the post office? Do they hang out near the post office? Are we

supposed to write to them?

If winners never quit and quitters never win, who came up with

“Quit while you’re ahead?”

What did people go back to before there were drawing boards?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If infants are in infancy, are adults in adultery?

If the No. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still No. 2?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

If most accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t

everyone just move 10 miles away?

I have no more to tell you. I wish you well for the rest of the

afternoon and your life. And the girl in the 12th row who is still

trying to lick her elbow -- you can stop now.

While everyone files out, I have a bit of housekeeping. Last week,

I made some comments about “Star Wars,” “Star Wars” fans and Yoda,

the smallest and greenest royal smart person in the galaxy.

My daughter, Lisa, who lives just outside the Very Big Apple in a

place called Scarsdale, is a major “Star Wars” fan and has already

seen “Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith” twice. Somehow

she got ahold of last week’s column. I have no idea how.

She objected to my comments in the strongest possible terms and

said that I needed to print the following retraction, verbatim, if I

ever wish to converse with, to say nothing of see, her again.

Here goes: “I am a misinformed poophead who wouldn’t know a great

movie if it fell out of the sky and crushed me. Why anyone would

listen to anything I have to say about any matter large or small is

beyond me. Everything I had to say about Star Wars, Star Wars fans,

George Lucas and Yoda was too stupid to qualify as dumb. I am deeply

sorry, I take back everything I said, I am pathetic.”

Geez. Kids.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].