Apologies go only so far

MAXINE COHEN

The scandal over the abuse of child parishioners by the clergy and

employees of the Diocese of Orange has been all over the national

news, in the Los Angeles Times and in this local paper.

I read about the settlement in Saturday’s Pilot, “Settlement

reached in 87 diocese abuse suits.” How relieved people were. There

were “silent tears,” “loud sobs” and the feeling “like 500 pounds had

been lifted off my shoulders.”

No kidding.

But what stood out for me the most was Joelle Casteix’s statement

about the personal apology from Bishop Tod Brown. She said: “All

these years, the one thing I’ve wanted the most was this personal

apology. This is what is going to help me heal.”

I believe her.

And this sounds good on the surface, but let’s look a little

deeper. Because it’s not the apology, in and of itself, that heals.

It’s what it means on a deeper level.

In the best of all possible worlds, a sincere apology means that

the person accepts responsibility for his actions. It means that he

understands what he did and how that harmed you and feels sorry about

the fact that his actions caused you to be gravely injured.

To the person receiving the apology, it corroborates her sense of

reality. It invalidates the ways in which she was told that it was OK

somehow, that she was to blame for being seductive, that she

shouldn’t tell anyone, all of which have the net effect of making her

feel crazy. It validates the fact that what she experienced is real

-- it was horrible -- and it was not her fault. At an even deeper

level, it’s about being able to trust yourself. To know that what

every fiber of your being is screaming out is, in fact, true. It’s

about removing the doubt. You can exhale. You now know. It’s all

right.

But what about the sex drive? Sex is not a want. It’s a need, a

biological drive, a mechanism designed by nature for our own

survival. You can’t get more basic than that.

So what do you do with it if you’re told and if you’ve pledged

that you will forsake the “normal,” “healthy,” “biologically

designed” outlet? You can only suppress the drive for so long and

then the need manifests in other ways. Biology cannot be denied. The

only question is where to channel its manifestation.

Great artists sublimate their sex drive and redirect its energy

into artistic expression. The Roman Catholic clergy are supposed to

redirect this energy into their worship and adoration of God.

As far as other employees of the diocese -- lay people -- in the

now-settled civil lawsuit, they have no admonitions against healthy

sexual expression. They are alleged pedophiles, which is beyond scary

if they are involved with children all the time. Pedophilia means

that a person is sexually attracted to children, not adults, and an

apology and monetary remuneration will not change that. Why do you

think we have Megan’s Law? It’s because pedophilia is highly

resistant to change. Something has gone wrong at the most basic level

of personality, and although the urge may be controlled, it is rarely

eradicated.

Then there is the whole issue of post-traumatic stress disorder.

An apology does nothing to repair that -- the memories, the

nightmares, the flashbacks, the ways in which a victim’s sexuality

may have been irretrievably altered for the remainder of her life.

This is a horror that may never end for the victims of this sexual

abuse.

And therein lies the tragedy. Yes, the clergy and employees of the

diocese say they’re sorry and move on. But the effects on the victims

remain, and it will be up to each of them to find her or his own way

to deal with that and to heal. My heart goes out to them.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

[email protected] or at (949) 644-6435.