City view adds levity to country life

PETER BUFFA

Are you there? I’m not. I’m in Montana, which is way, way up and

slightly to the right.

It’s a beautiful place -- a rugged, wide open place of

breathtaking valleys and towering mountains. Montana is called “Big

Sky Country.” It’s just an expression. The sky isn’t really any

bigger here than where you are. It looks bigger because everything is

so spread out and the air is so clean you can see forever, which is

far away.

This week, “Big Sky Country” turned into “Wet Sky Country” with a

record rainfall -- every day, for six straight days. Sometimes you

just get lucky. Actually, it hasn’t been pouring all the time.

Sometimes it drizzles. Then it starts pouring again.

We also ran into some nice people from Newport Beach named Ellis

-- Dave, Christie, Andrea and Preston Ellis -- who are all related

and who were also amazed at how wet the big sky can be. All of us

were sloshing around in Whitefish, which is next to Whitefish Lake,

which is why they call it that. If Whitefish doesn’t ring a bell,

it’s about 10 miles north of Kalispell, which is on the northwest

corner of Flathead Lake. Do you know that Flathead Lake is the

largest fresh water lake west of the Mississippi? Do you care? I

didn’t think so.

Whenever I’m in a small town, no matter where, no matter how wet,

I am invariably struck by two things: how nice the people are and the

crime log in the local newspaper. I like the crime log because it’s a

study in how different life can be for country mice and city mice.

You and I are city mice. We live in a city of 3 million people, which

happens to be just south of a city of more than 6 million people.

That’s a lot of mice.

Kalispell is the biggest city around here, with 17,000 people.

Whitefish has all of 4,100 people. The local newspaper is called the

Daily Inter Lake and the crime log tells you everything you need to

know about life in the Flathead Valley. It also tells you that in

small town America, both life and crime are simpler.

“On West Cottonwood Drive a boy reportedly threw a large rock at

another boy’s back. A theft was reported at a shop on 8th Avenue

West. Whitefish police took a complaint from a woman who was hit by a

water balloon on Columbia Avenue.”

Do you see what I’m saying? When is the last time you heard Paul

Moyer report that a woman was hit by a water balloon? Never, that’s

when.

“Partner assault was reported at White Birch Trailer Court. A

grizzly was reported in a ditch off U.S. 2. A teenage girl was

charged with alcohol possession on Liberty Street.”

Did you notice how they blew right by the grizzly in the ditch off

U.S. 2? Partner brawl, teen with buzz on, grizzly bear in ditch -- no

big deal, all of equal importance. That’s a big, big difference from

where you are. If there’s a grizzly bear in a ditch off Newport Coast

Drive, it doesn’t get thrown in there with the woman who got whacked

with the water balloon. No sir.

“On 10th Street West, a resident complained that a neighbor is

feeding stray cats and they’re multiplying. Bigfork Ambulance was

needed when a woman fell on a deck on Electric Avenue. She went to

the hospital. On 7th Avenue East, the city solved a problem with

transients sleeping in a large metal and wood box by removing the

box.”

See? Life is simpler in Montana. Just remove the box. Problem

solved.

“Kalispell police arrested a man over night after he tried to get

into a home on 5th Avenue West and lounged on a bench on the porch

with a beer. When officers arrived and asked the man’s name, he

identified himself first as Clint Eastwood and then as Charles

Bronson. He is charged with obstructing an officer and trespassing.”

Oh great, they’re not going to tell us? So who was he -- Clint

Eastwood or Charles Bronson? As with most things in life, one item

stands out above the rest.

“On South Ferndale Drive, a resident reported that someone let the

water out of a vehicle radiator, drained the oil and broke a window.

The resident called back later to say he suspects a bear caused the

damage.”

OK, moment please. Bears are very clever and amazingly agile. No

argument there. I can understand breaking a window and taking a swipe

at a hose on a radiator. But how, exactly, did he drain the oil? If

you know, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Finally, if you think life in Flathead Valley is different than in

Newport-Mesa today, try 1893. The Daily Inter Lake has been checking

fences in Montana since 1888 and, as do many newspapers, they run a

daily “looking back” feature, like this item, from their Aug. 26,

1904 edition:

“Bork, the crazy man who was brought in from Marion this week, has

been working for Colonel Moore on the latter’s ranch. This is the

fourth man who has gone daft this summer while working for the genial

Colonel, but Bork is the first one to become so violent that it was

necessary to have him put under restraint.”

Wow. Forget the oil-changing bear. I want to know what was going

on out at Colonel Moore’s place. Wait, that’s it. It must have been

the rain. You got a bum rap, Bork. I feel for you, cowboy. I gotta

go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].