Going for the dough no way to go

PETER BUFFA

I thought the full moon was last week. Maybe not.

We are blessed with a very low crime rate here in the land of

Newport-Mesa, thanks to having two of the best constabularies in the

country. But the bad guys were unusually restless this week.

There was a fatal shooting in Costa Mesa on Saturday.

On Wednesday, a handyman working at a Dover Shores home beat and

tied up the woman of the house then set the house ablaze.

On Thursday, masked robbers tried a “smash-and-grab” at a Lido

Isle jewelry store, shattering the display window with a sledge

hammer in broad daylight. The owner had a gun, fired it, but

unfortunately, missed.

I don’t like the bad guys. I don’t like them a lot. Nothing I

would do to people who are willing to hurt or kill someone without a

second thought for whatever demented reason can be printed here, but

I can tell you, the rate of recidivism would be very low. That’s low

as in zero.

But when we’re talking about low-life’s, in the words of Jacques

Cousteau, “How low can you go?” Dollars to doughnuts, it has to be

the thieves who have been plaguing a small store in Costa Mesa for

months.

Steve Metro has been the proud owner of “Oh Those Donuts” for 20

years, catering to the needs of those who try to eat at least one

serving a day from the doughnut group. Because the human doughnut

gene can kick in at any moment, the store is open 24 hours, which

makes for a long day.

But Steve knows his doughnuts. Some very unusual customers can

wander in at 3 or 4 in the morning with that glazed-raised look in

their eye, which is why the store is equipped with digital

surveillance cameras.

This is not your grandfather’s doughnut store. On Sept. 19 and 26,

the cameras caught two living, breathing examples of exactly how low

one can go, when two bottom-feeders ran off with a handful of change

that they had grabbed ... from the tip jar.

In fact, in the second incident, the thief ran off with the whole

jar. Granted, it’s not the most serious crime on the books, but how

pathetic do you have to be to steal someone’s tips? I say really

pathetic.

Even the Costa Mesa Police had to put it in the “Believe It or

Not” file, according to Lt. Dale Birney. “This is really the first

time I’ve heard about someone stealing tips,” Birney said. “It

doesn’t surprise me, but I just haven’t heard about it before.”

Stealing tips in a doughnut shop. Another lesson that whenever you

think you’ve heard it all, you haven’t. Are the disappearing tips

Steve Metro’s loss? Not really. The money rightfully belongs to the

two young women who work the counter at “Oh Those Donuts” -- Anna and

Celeste -- who happen to be sisters. In the Sept. 26 caper, Celeste

was mad as hell and she wasn’t going to take it anymore. When the

dimwit who grabbed the tip jar made his move, Celeste raced after him

and chased him down.

According to Steve, “Celeste ran after him and took the jar back.

He called her names, but she came back with the jar.”

I say two thumbs up for Celeste. Way up.

“We’ve had people steal muffins or doughnuts through the window,”

said Metro. “That’s one thing. But to steal the girls’ tips? That’s

never happened in all these years.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a heartless person. I can almost

tolerate someone snaking the occasional doughnut. If the thief is

caught, I think he or she should be given a stern warning and second

chance, after a brief public flogging.

We are not barbarians here. But stealing tips? That is a pony of a

different color. Puice maybe.

The photos of the two tip thieves are now on the wall at “Donuts,”

with a note that reads: “If you see this person, tell us. He stole

our tips.”

I hope it works. And why on Earth would anyone risk a stay at the

Graybar Hotel for small change? I’ve daydreamed about stealing.

Everyone has. I used to fantasize about knocking over the Federal

Reserve vault in Manhattan.

My whole plan was modeled after the classic 1950’s film noir,

“Rififi.”

It wasn’t the plan that interested me as much as the whole film

noir image of skulking around at night on wet, cobblestone streets in

Paris, puffing on Gitanes and trying hard to look like Jean-Paul

Belmondo.

What does any of this have to do with doughnuts and tips? Not a

thing. But now, I’ve used up my time. I’m embarrassed. So to the

scavengers who stole Anna and Celeste Pineda’s tips, I hope they find

you. In fact, I hope Celeste finds you.

There are a quarter million people in Newport-Mesa, but there’s no

room at all for the two of you. This much I can tell you.

Derek Jeter would never, ever steal tips in a doughnut shop, but a

pitcher from Boston who would rough up a nice 72-year old man would

do it without blinking an eye. Was that the worst segue you’ve ever

heard? I think so.

Do you believe in curses? I do. Think about this: Both the Chicago

Cubs (goat curse) and the Boston Red Sox (Bambino curse) went into

the 8th inning of their respective 7th games with a 3-run lead.

Both teams imploded, inexplicably, losing the game and their long,

agonizing quest for another shot at the World Series.

Calamity or curse? You decide.

The New York Yankees and the Fall Classic. It’s all good. I gotta

go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].