Two Father’s Day brunches and a roast

It is Father’s Day at 11:15 a.m., and I am sitting in the middle of

the newsroom with two fathers waiting patiently for me to finish this

column.

Tony Dodero, my boss, has a Father’s Day brunch to attend, and he

is anxiously awaiting my column about Costa Mesa Police Chief Dave

Snowden’s retirement shindig. On his way down the Orange Freeway

right now is my son’s father, Rodney, who also has a brunch to

attend.

I am stuck at this computer with a deadline looming and I am

stuck. It’s not that I have writer’s block. There is so much material

from Snowden’s retirement dinner Saturday night swimming around my

groggy head. I am laughing at my desk just thinking about it.

The thing is, we are a “family newspaper,” and most of the jokes I

want to share with you would never make it past the paper’s naughty

filter.

See, Dave Snowden is more than a lawman. He is a prankster. And

what goes around comes around. He is also a pal. So much a pal that

the 500 people at the party (all his alleged friends) were privy to

some very personal, hilarious and slightly off-color remarks about

the beloved former chief.

Here’s the news that is fit to print:

Snowden officially ended his 37-year career in law enforcement

Saturday night with a five-hour party at the Costa Mesa Hilton, in

which the goal was to thank him for his dedication to the community

by making fun of him. The theme was a Western one, and pictures of

Roy Rogers were displayed on the tables as prominently as the

chief’s.

There was a touching video telling Snowden’s story from diapers to

holsters, and local band Citizen Joe honored the chief with the

original tribute song, “America’s Son.”

Then came the roast. Eleven of Snowden’s closest and funniest

friends each got five minutes to embarrass him. They poked fun at his

love of golf, doughnuts, guns and cowboys -- not necessarily in that

order. Shhh ... .

I mean, City Manager Allan Roeder touted his wonderful

relationship with the chief, saying it was a model across the state

for how things should be done. Roeder said he and Snowden got along

so well because he followed these four simple rules:

1. He never interrupted the chief while teeing off.

2. He never questioned him about that incident with the mayor’s

kid.

3. He did not delve further into that Orange County Police Chief’s

Conference in Hawaii.

4. He never called him on his Monday or Friday flex days or

anytime before 10 a.m. or after 1 p.m.

(For those of you devoid of a sense of humor, I remind you these

are jokes. There is no City Hall conspiracy. Stop flipping through

your rolodex for the attorney’s number.)

Snowden’s best friends called him warm -- which they defined as

“not so hot.” They marveled at Ellen Snowden for staying married to

the man for 32 years. They said Snowden could never be described as

mediocre because mediocre people are always at their best.

Montebello Police Chief Steve Simonian, a childhood friend,

commended the city for commending Snowden. Too often people wait

until somebody dies to say nice things about them and thank them for

their accomplishments, Steve said. Not this time.

“This time we’re honoring Dave before he accomplished a damn

thing,” he joked.

Each roast was followed by a heartfelt hug. If nastiness is a

testimony of friendship, Dave Snowden has the best friends in the

world.

In all seriousness, Snowden thanked the community, saying the

“relationships [he] built were part and partial to all [his]

success.”

He also explained his affinity for cowboys. Cowboys, like lawmen,

know the difference between right and wrong.

“There is no gray,” he said.

He expressed confidence in his successor and commended his police

staff.

“They are beyond belief -- outstanding,” he said.

Ellen Snowden, near tears, thanked the audience for their support

and commended her husband.

“It was always more than a job, it was a passion,” she said.

Snowden said he would wake up the next day still reeling from the

celebration, only to be brought back to reality come Monday. Let’s

hope his Father’s Day was a continuation of the weekend full of

parties -- celebrating his accomplishments as a father of two sons.

Speaking of celebrations, I have to run. I know this is after the

fact, but I hope all the dads out there had as much fun as my little

family is about to have. Time to go.

* LOLITA HARPER writes columns Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and

covers culture and the arts. She may be reached at (949) 574-4275 or

by e-mail at [email protected].