Moving through life’s changes

At the age of 8, my family moved from Chicago to Los Angeles. My

mother would not fly to save her life, so my brother and I took the

train with her while our fearless father flew.

The move from Chicago was traumatic. Yanked from my good pals in

Hyde Park, including super best friend Roy Redlich, I cried for a

full day and night as the Super Chief sped from the Windy City to the

City of the Angels.

But nothing would prepare me for the moving nightmare I would

experience over and over again as our family moved about 12 times in

15 years.

No, we weren’t running from the law, my mother just liked a change

of scenery. That probably comes from the fact that she never learned

how to drive. While the rest of us were discovering new neighborhoods

by driving through them from time to time, my mother found out about

them by moving there. And there. And over there too.

Moving that often is not good for kids, but I do have to admit to

one benefit: I’ve become an expert at moving. Some folks don’t mind

painting. For others, installing a new roof is a joy. For me, moving

is a snap. Moving is easy. What’s hard to figure out is the mail you

get once you move into a new home. In the few weeks we’ve been here,

we’ve received dozens of hot offers for everything from flooring to

ceiling fans. And judging by the mail, I’d have to say that

Newport-Mesa is the shutter capital of the world.

What in the world is going on with all you shutter suppliers?

Honestly, I think they need to do a survey on just how many windows

there are in Costa Mesa and Newport Beach because I think the shutter

suppliers have gotten some really bad information.

And please stop with the homestead pitches. I don’t even know why

I should homestead but I can tell from the pitches that this is one

of those things I probably don’t need to pay someone to do.

Nothing could have prepared me for the expense of a new home. Oh,

I figured there’d be some costs on which we hadn’t calculated -- it’s

that old saying about moving always taking twice as long and costing

twice as much -- but I never figured on some of this stuff.

Two days ago, for example, I got my first phone bill. It was for

$78. 04, and it doesn’t yet bill me for a single call. That comes

later. Right now, I’m staring at the bill which contains a section

totaling $54.76 for “additions and changes,” a fancy word for saying

“gotcha!” Then there is the section for $15.49 for “monthly charges,”

which is odd because if I haven’t been here a month and I haven’t

made any calls, how can I be billed for “monthly charges?”

But the best section is “taxes and surcharges.” This is $7.79 and

includes language such as “fee,” “fund” and “surcharge.” These are

all spins on the word “tax.” Nothing more, nothing less. And think

about it -- these are taxes for a service for which I haven’t used

and haven’t even been billed.

Then there is the little matter of our yards. As I wrote not long

ago, we got in line for some “free” trees from the city of Costa Mesa

that are scheduled to be delivered on Sept. 15. The trees, however,

have triggered a free fall spending spree so steep that for a moment

I thought we were the school board sprucing up Newport Harbor High

School.

Plant those “free” trees in the dirt without planters around them?

No sir, we have to have brick. And of course, brick islands along a

30-foot parkway won’t look good alone, so we have to plant grass. And

as grass on a parkway won’t look good with a crabgrass lawn, we may

as well rip out the entire front lawn and put in new sod.

And, of course, all this needs sprinklers. And the large pine tree

has to be removed at the same time because it’s threatening to uproot

our fence and fall down on our garage. Oh, and while you’re at it,

Antonio (He’s our landscaper. I can’t believe that Steve “Six-pack”

Smith actually has someone to call a landscaper), why don’t you put

new sprinklers in the backyard, build a new dog run, create a 20-foot

brick planter for the front of the house and work up a new gate for

the side of the house too?

But this is what we signed up for in May. I don’t mind the expense

really, because the yard needs the work. Besides, if I tried to do it

myself, there’d be a fair chance that the first time Cay turned on my

new sprinkler system, the microwave would start and the garage door

would open and shut repeatedly.

And then it would be time to move.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.