Between the Lines -- Byron de Arakal

An amusing notion has been wandering around in my head in the days

proceeding the citywide ban on duck feeding in Newport Beach. What if

ducks could talk? And if they could, would they agree to an interview?

This is folly, of course, though I suspect the marketing mavens at AFLAC

would take exception.

At any rate, even occasional news consumers must be aware that on Feb.

7 the Newport Beach City Council launched an offensive on the city’s duck

population. Why? It seems a considerable number of these good creatures

(better still when roasted and garnished with a tangy plum sauce) had

over the years established an entrenched beachhead on and around Balboa

Island.

But having done so -- lured there by the infinite bounty of bread and

grain and water left for them by caring souls -- claims surfaced that

mountains of duck dung were soiling harbor waters and certain frontages

on the Grand Canal.

And so the City Council made it criminal to regularly host ducks to a

meal except for the occasional scrap of bread.

Now, having seen that duck platoons have taken to roaming the island

for new food sources, the city is dispatching stealth squads to run

midnight duck raids (but only on the white fowl, since brown mallards are

off limits under federal law) for deportation to unknown inland

locations.

That background aside, we can imagine how an exclusive interview with

one of these disenfranchised ducks might go.

We were expecting to sit down with a representative of the white duck

population. What happened?

“I am a white duck.”

You look like a brown mallard to us.

“We have no choice but to disguise ourselves. These are desperate

times for us. We must resort to whatever means are available to thwart

this clearly discriminatory action against our kind.”

So you believe you’re being singled out?

“Clearly. We don’t enjoy the same federal protections that give

preferential treatment to brown mallards. They’re rounding us up under

the ruse that our byproducts, shall we say, threaten water quality and

are the source of unpleasant odors. But I dare say that the mallards are

guilty of the same. They’re coming for us because we’re white.”

That’s a pretty strong charge.

“But nonetheless true.”

What has been the reaction in the duck community to the city’s ban on

the feeding of your people -- er, kind?

“Shock. Disappointment. Outraged by the hypocrisy.”

The hypocrisy?

“Sure. We’ve been here for generations, long before people took over

the place. We’ve seen what they’ve done to the bay, to our waters, with

their big boats belching diesel exhaust and fuel slicks. We’ve seen their

children swimming in the bay for years now. Where do you think those kids

go to the bathroom? For them to say that we’re creating a public health

and environmental hazard ignores the tons of human waste, trash and

chemicals they’ve been dumping into the bay and on our beaches for

decades.”

You mentioned contamination. As you know, the city contends that the

duck population has been leaving behind unacceptably large volumes of

droppings. It also asserts that duck droppings contain high levels of

bacteria that are responsible for beach closures throughout Newport Bay.

“The city simply has no credibility on this issue, in our view.”

How’s that?

“How can a city with any integrity attack us for polluting its waters

and beaches with excess duck waste when for years it’s been dumping its

sewer debris on the good people of Irvine? Having said that, we’re more

than a little suspicious of the city’s claim that our waste contaminates

anything, let alone its waters. To know for sure, you need to test those

waters on a regular basis. And I would dare say that the city’s record

when it comes to testing for waste contamination is less than stellar.”

Can the city’s duck population survive this?

“We’ll survive. There are a lot of nice people in this town who

appreciate our presence and respect our long history in this city.

They’ll find a way to feed us.”

And if they don’t?

Well, there’s always Costa Mesa.

* Byron de Arakal is a freelance writer and communications consultant.

He resides in Costa Mesa. Readers can reach him with news tips and

comments via e-mail at o7 [email protected] . Visit his Web site at

o7 www.byronwriter.comf7 .