REEL CRITICS

Something smells in ‘Swordfish’

“Swordfish” begins with John Travolta -- in the guise of

counter-terrorist Gabriel Shear -- jawing about today’s unrealistic

Hollywood trash. This self-reflective scene is eerily reminiscent of

Travolta’s own track record in film choices. It’s almost as if he is

advising fellow actors Hugh Jackman and Don Cheadle to stay clear of the

path of rotten tomato-ism. Oh, if only they received this lecture before

they signed on for director Dominic Sena’s (“Gone In 60 Seconds”) latest

effort.

Down-on-his-luck super-hacker Stanley Jobson (Hugh Jackman) deals with

devilish Gabriel to electronically steal a $9.5-billion Drug Enforcement

Agency slush fund. But in case you think he’s doing it to get back at

“The Man” for a two-year hiatus in the pokey, that’s not entirely so.

Stanley is hoping his paycheck will give him a fighting chance for

custody of his tender daughter.

It gets hinky when Agent A.D. Roberts (Don Cheadle) sniffs him out and

when Gabriel reveals the money will finance a morally ambiguous plan to

save the world from terrorists. Stanley is forced to not only thwart

Gabriel’s evildoing but fight for a future with his daughter.

In case you’re wondering about Halle Berry, she’s relegated to fueling

Stanley’s fantasies and running Gabriel’s errands in stilettos.

Because the characters are walking, talking costume hangers, the story

collapses in spite of a flying bus, ear-busting explosions and Berry’s

much talked-about foray into nudity.

“Swordfish” is the classic example of a director who missed out on a

key element of successful filmmaking: Movies cannot live without

full-fledged characters. They can be shady and kill people (think Fred

MacMurray’s scheming character in “Double Indemnity” and you get the

idea), but if they don’t ring true to the audience, then no one cares if

they buy it under the wheels of a speeding Ferrari. In fact, we’re hoping

they will so we can go home.

The bottom line with “Swordfish” is save your cash. If you have to see

Berry in her topless glory or enjoy the sight of Jackman wearing a towel

around his waist, use the scene selection feature on the future DVD

release. It will spare you from the stink of another rotten tomato

starring John Travolta.

* MARY A. CASTILLO, 27, is a Costa Mesa resident.

‘Tomb Raider’ misses the depths

“Tomb Raider” is well-worth the price of admission. What’s more,

anyone at all can go and have fun. It’s not multilayered, it doesn’t fall

into a niche, doesn’t get all wrapped up in a plot, and it does have a

little bit of everything: “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “The Mummy,” “Pac

Man,” etc.

Fortunately, the actors are of sufficient quality to take their roles

seriously and absolutely nail their parts. I’m not entirely sure a

serious actor would want to hear that he made a great one-dimensional

video game character, but neither Sir Lawrence Olivier nor Joan Crawford

could have done it better.

There is also the credit given to three writers. OK, it might have

taken three.

Angelina Jolie is terrific as Lara Croft. She has the look and the

attitude. Posing as a photojournalist, Lara lives in an English country

estate with a high-tech sidekick hacker and inventor (Noah Taylor) and a

prissy butler (Chris Barrie).

One night she is awakened by the ticking of a clock heretofore

unheard, so she follows the sound to its hiding place and discovers a

cryptic message from her dead father directing her to complete his

mission and stop the Illuminati (bad guys) from joining two halves of a

triangle that will give the holder power over time.

The clock is the key to joining the halves, which would make it the

“All Seeing Eye.” This can only happen when the planets are in absolute

alignment every 5,000 years. He tells her that one-half of the triangle

is in Cambodia, and she must find it to prevent that half from being used

by the Illuminati to join it to the other half.

At an auction where she goes to seek information from her father’s

friend, Lara runs into longtime archenemy Alex (Daniel Craig), a clear

indication that there is something in the works. Her father’s associate

directs her to an agent of the Illuminati, Manfred Powell (Iain Glen),

who looks at Lara’s pictures of the clock and understands not only the

clock’s significance but that Lara understands it too.

They now have seven days till total alignment of the planets, when

they can fit the halves together so that they can control time. The scene

is set. Make sure you have a quarter.

There are some lovely parts to this movie that were used sparingly.

The bungee ballet Lara was doing when the raiders came to steal the clock

and the ensuing fight, the opening scene as the high-tech robots meet the

challenge extended by Lara, the juxtaposition of the shifting planets as

they moved into alignment, the dog sled run on the frozen tundra, the

morality of rearranging time, the fixation of a one-dimensional image who

believed time was stolen from her and her father (Jon Voight), and

actually quite a bit more minutiae you could mess around with if you

wanted to be picky.

What I mean is that a lot of what made this movie so inoffensive and

enjoyable despite its being a bit of fluff was being carefully and

unerringly inserted at just the right places to make sure not too much

was read into this video game. Think cult. Think sequel. Just enjoy and

don’t think too much at all.

* JOAN ANDRE, “over 65,” is a Newport Beach resident who does a lot of

volunteer work.