VERONICA JAMES -- Close to Home

The census has generated a lot of talk about the homeless, which got

me thinking about a comment I heard several years ago and never forgot.

During an infant exercise class I was taking with my daughter, a new

mother commented that since having her son, she couldn’t understand the

existence of the homeless. Why didn’t their mothers just go out to the

streets and pick them up? How could they let their children live like

that?

Obviously, this woman had never experienced the heartbreak of having a

homeless relative. Those of us who have know that it’s a lot more

complicated than just offering someone a place to stay. It’s an ongoing,

frustrating and sometimes futile struggle to help someone who often

doesn’t seem interested in helping himself.

Sandra, a registered nurse who lives in Chino Hills, said she has done

everything she could to help her brother Ernell, 44, who has been

homeless off and on for the past 15 years since a devastating divorce. In

fact, Sandra and all four of her sisters have taken Ernell into their

homes in efforts to help him.

Ernell has struggled with mental illness, joblessness and trouble with

the law, but now is living in Ohio with a relative and is doing “better

for the moment,” according to Sandra.

Sandra’s family devised a plan of action for helping their brother,

which includes tough love, family support and setting limits, such as

refusing money requests and limiting collect calls.

“We all agree on the same thing,” Sandra said. “If the family members

are feeling differently, that’s what’s going to break down the family.

You’ve got to love them no matter what. He’s my brother. I’m going to

love him. I’m not going to let him use me or abuse me.”

Sandra has also found support through her Christian faith.

“If it wasn’t for faith, I couldn’t do it,” she said. “You’ve got to

constantly pray for them and not be ashamed of them. I’ve taken him to my

church members and asked them to pray for him. This is my brother. I’m

not ashamed of him.”

Since sharing her concern about Ernell with others, Sandra has met

many people who have family members with similar problems.

“When you share with another person, you’re going to be blessed,” she

said. “And you will bless the other person because they will be glad to

know someone else dealing with the same thing they’re dealing with.

They’re not in this alone.”

For the first time in 38 years, Trudy, a resident of Southern

California, decided not to contact her son, Eric, on his birthday.

“He has so much anger in him,” she said. “We never have a pleasant

conversation.”

Like Sandra, Trudy and her husband did everything they could to help

Eric. When he was younger, they went through the Tough Love program with

him. They’ve paid his rent, given him money and bailed him out of many

problems. But Eric always seemed to fall back into his old patterns of

drinking and alienating others.

Eric usually managed to keep a roof over his head but found himself

homeless three years ago in the dead of winter in Pennsylvania. Trudy

hoped that experience would permanently change Eric’s ways, but it

didn’t.

She has trouble understanding her son, who started drinking when he

was 16 and hanging around with other kids who weren’t doing well in

school.

“It must be like a living hell, to wake up with a hangover and need

another drink to get steady,” she said.

Trudy and her husband have decided to let Eric initiate further

contact with them, citing an escalation of anger and abusive language.

“He has to change his ways if he wants to contact us,” she said.

Still, Trudy worries about her son, who was told four years ago that

he didn’t have long to live because of health problems caused by alcohol.

“I love him, and I worry about him,” she said, “but I don’t have the

answers. I think we can’t help him. They must want to do it themselves.”

Roger Girion, a licensed marriage, family and child counselor, has

worked extensively with homeless people and their families.

“Almost invariably, people who are homeless don’t want to subject

themselves to routine or authority,” he said. “They shun anything that

has to do with any hint of regimentation or routine. They shun standards.

They would rather live with less than subject themselves to having to be

supervised. That’s a recurrent theme that I’ve seen.”

Girion says that homeless people often put themselves in a helpless

role -- a victim’s role that he believes in most cases to be a willful

choice.

“It’s a form of social autism or schizoid behavior. It’s much easier

for them to live like that -- they think -- than to live with the rigor

of supervision,” Girion said. “It’s an illusion that life is better for

them without the rigor of a job.”

He cautions families not to fall into the trap of treating a loved one

as a victim.

“There’s a lot of power in their helplessness if you give it to them,”

he said. “Don’t get sucked into it.”

Girion recommends that family members quit feeling sorry for their

homeless relatives, quit rescuing them and quit feeling responsible for

them. There’s nothing wrong with offering help, he said, or encouragement

in specific areas, such as offering a job. But he reminds family members

to remember: “You’re doing them a favor. They’re not doing you a favor by

entertaining the idea of taking a job.”

Ironically, the preference for solitude and lack of supervision is

actually a detriment to most homeless people, Girion said. He points to

research indicating that being around people is the most successful

treatment for those with schizoid type behaviors, including

schizophrenia.

“The more they’re around people, the more they’re desensitized and the

higher functioning they are,” he said.

VERONICA JAMESo7 is a columnist writing about family issues for the

Inland Valley Our Times, the Independent’s sister paper. She can be

reached at [email protected]