PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

Some of you have been having a little too much fun. Let’s not make a

big deal about this. It’s a small problem, not a big one. But if certain

people don’t quiet down and take a timeout, there could be trouble -- at

least in the cities of Newport Beach and Laguna Beach.

This week, the Newport Beach City Council decided that surfing

competitions from June 15 to Sept. 10 have caught their last wave, Bud.

The summertime mix of a zillion beachgoers, surf fans and beachfront

property owners is getting a little tense. The three groups are having a

hard time bonding.

Granted, the Newport competitions are mostly local and, in the

vernacular, nowhere near as gnarly as the bodacious international

competitions in Huntington Beach. It is not lost on the Newport Beach

council, however, that their colleagues to the north have to rebuild

large chunks of the Huntington waterfront every few years, when 30,000

red-blooded young American males, mass quantities of fermented hops, and

the Budweiser Girls all converge on the same stretch of sand on a hot

summer afternoon. Keep in mind, Newport is not banning surfing, just

surfing competitions at certain times of the year.

A few miles to the south lies a horse of a different color.

Laguna Beach is mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore.

As of this point in time and until further notice, beachgoers in Laguna

can have just as much fun as they want, as long as it does not involve

one or more of the activities herein disallowed.

Listen up, sand fans. We’re going through this once and only once. Per

the city’s revised beach ordinance, the following rules will be enforced:

o7 1. No digging holes in the sand deeper than 2 feet. Holes must be

filled prior to departure.

2. No removing sand from city beaches without written permission from

city officials.

3. No sports or games that could be injurious to others, including,

but not limited to, sand throwing, hard and soft balls, bats, footballs,

Frisbees and boomerangs.

4. Sleeping on the beach is permitted from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. only.

5. No umbrellas and shades taller than 6 feet or larger than 6 feet

square.

6. No open fires. Period.

f7 Questions? I didn’t think so. If you can’t do the time, don’t do

the crime. Simple as that.

OK, I know I shouldn’t be asking questions and causing trouble, but I

can’t help it.

Nos. 4, 5 and 6 -- no sleeping, no giant umbrellas, no fires -- seem

reasonable, sort of, although the details need a little work. “No

sleeping on the beach after 11 p.m.” would make a lot more sense.

But the others ... hmm, let’s review.

1. No digging holes in the sand deeper than 2 feet.

Enforcement is going to be a huge issue on this one. Spotting diggers

is easy. Most people who dig holes in the sand are about 28 inches high.

They’re usually topless, barefoot, and have Pampers that keep coming

loose. By the way, if you confront a digger, never, ever grab them by the

Pampers. After a couple of hours in the hot sun, those things can

detonate at the slightest touch. The real problem, though, is that the

average digger’s spatial perception is not good. If you’re a 2-year old,

the difference between 20 inches and 26 inches is a nuance and very easy

to miss, especially if there’s a lot going on in your Pampers. I think

you’re better off with a sliding scale of, say, 18 to 24 inches is a

warning, 25 to 36 inches is a misdemeanor, and anything over 36 inches is

a felony.

2. No removing sand from city beaches without written permission from

city officials.

I’m sorry. I don’t get it. I assume we’re talking about a truckload of

sand here, not a “Barney” beach pail full of sand. Is this really an

issue? Exactly how many people pull over, back their truck up over the

curb, drop the tailgate and furiously start shoveling sand, especially

when it’s about $2 bucks per metric ton at any building supply?

Never mind. If you say it’s an issue, it’s an issue. But who, if I may

ask, is going to go to City Hall and ask for permission?

“Excuse me, miss? I need sand.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place, sir. I’ll just jot this down on

the back of my business card. What’s your name?”

“Peter.”

“Nice name. Here you go -- Peter can have sand. If anybody stops you,

just show them this card.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. Have a nice day.”

3. No sports or games that could be injurious to others, including but

not limited to, sand throwing, hard and soft balls, bats, footballs,

Frisbees and boomerangs.

I don’t remember “sand throwing” being a sport or game. Are there

rules? How do you win? Are there sand-throwing championships? I have to

get out more.

And do we really want to put Nerf balls, beach balls, Whiffle balls

and plastic bats in the same category as aluminum bats and baseballs? I

suppose someone could be enough of a bozo to be smashing line drives with

a baseball on a crowded beach, but how often does that happen? Where I

come from, in a land far, far away, if anyone tried that, the law allows

nearby beachgoers to beat them to death, then divvy up their possessions.

Now, Frisbees, I can understand. Injuries from a wayward Frisbee can

be catastrophic. Everyone knows that if you get doinked in the head with

a Frisbee, you’re talking about major reconstructive surgery, and that’s

assuming you survive. Sadly, in some extreme cases, people have been

decapitated by Frisbees, which puts a damper on everything, and explains

why Frisbees are the No. 1 killer of young adults in this country. Not

really. I made that up.

But don’t let it get you down. The beaches are still there to visit

and enjoy, as big and bright and beautiful as ever. If you’re heading

south, just pack the chairs, the cooler, some sunscreen and a little

common sense. Leave the Frisbees at home, and if you need sand, go to

City Hall first.

I gotta go.

*

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .