PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

Chubby? You are not alone. We are here and we are legion.

Stop beating yourself up. One can only worry about fat, carbs and

calories for so long. Get over it. Accepting your chubbiness will set you

free. Trust me on this. I know.

If you can’t do it, I’ll understand. But I’m afraid you’ll have to move.

Where? To the city by the Bay, of course, where cable cars climb halfway

to the stars.

Welcome to San Francisco, one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

Bring your camera, bring your appetite, bring the love of your life --

but leave the fat jokes at home.

As of this week in San Francisco, tell a fat joke -- go to jail. And yes,

I’m serious.

How on earth did all this get started? It all began with Marilyn and the

Martian. Last year, Marilyn Wann, who is slightly taller than 5 feet and

weighs 270 pounds, looked up and saw a billboard ad that stopped her in

her tracks.

The ad, which you may recall, was for a chain of fitness clubs and

featured an ominous-looking extraterrestrial, with one sentence above the

health club’s logo: “When they come, they’ll eat the fat ones first.”

I thought it was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. Marilyn Wann,

however, was not amused. She is a self-described “fat advocate” and the

author of “FAT!SO?” -- a self-help guide for people who are chubby.

Anyway, Marilyn organized demonstrations outside one of the fitness

clubs, then turned her wrath on City Hall. Being an official Loopy

Liberal city, San Fran’s powers-that-be didn’t just like the idea -- they

loved it. Their only concern was that it wasn’t quite loopy enough, so

they added skinny people, short people and tall people to the mix.

San Francisco’s antidiscrimination ordinance will now cover “weight and

height” bias.

According to Larry Brinkin of the city’s Human Rights Commission,

retribution for anyone caught thinking inappropriate

fat/skinny/tall/short thoughts will be swift, and it will be brutal.

“If heavy people can’t fit into chairs in theaters or restaurants and

there’s nowhere for them to sit, we think they’re being discriminated

against,” Larry warned. “In those situations, we’ll look for reasonable

accommodations. We won’t ask theaters to put in all big seats, just a row

of larger seats or a free-standing area for armless chairs.”

Well, OK! At least they’re going to be “reasonable” about this. If

someone shows up at the movies and can’t fit their tuckus into a seat,

they can now file a “discrimination” claim with the city. Larry will then

contact the theater owner and force them to be reasonable. All they have

to do is put in a row of wide-body seats or a free-standing area with

armless chairs.

Is that so much to ask? Answer me this. What do theaters and restaurants

have to do for the skinny/short/tall people? Only what’s reasonable, of

course, but exactly what?

The new ordinance’s champion was Board of Supervisors president Tom

Ammiano. (There’s no city council in San Francisco. The Board of

Supervisors runs the county and the city. It’s weird.)

Tom says he’s quite proud of his new ordinance, despite the teasing he’s

received from around the world. By the way, do you know what Tom Ammiano

did before he was elected to the board? He was a stand-up comic. Is this

a great country, or what?

If you’re looking for a markedly different style of government, we should

sashay down to Brewster County, Texas. Brewster County is a hard place

and the people who live there are hard people. It’s West Texas at its

West Texiest -- hot winds, sagebrush, barbed wire.

Chubby people in Brewster County don’t need protecting. They protect

themselves real well.

Last week, a crew of census-takers came to Brewster County. One woman was

assigned to the city of Terlingua, including some remote houses outside

city limits. She dutifully climbed into her rental car and made her way

to the first house, where the road to nowhere and the end of the line

meet.

She called out from the edge of the stake-and-barbed wire fence that

surrounded the house. Not a sound. She pushed open the ramshackle gate

and started for the front door.

That might be a good idea in San Francisco, but just outside Terlingua in

Brewster County, Texas, it’s a bad idea.

Before she took another step, Arnold came bounding from the shadows on

the front porch. Arnold is, well, chubby. There’s no way around it. He’s

also a javelina -- a wild pig found throughout the Southwest. At 100

pounds and 24 inches tall, Arnold would be covered twice under San

Francisco’s ordinance (see sections on “fat” and “short”).

Arnold rarely bothers anyone, but he just flat out hates anyone from the

government. Any government. He chased the now hysterical census-taker

back to her rental car and managed to give her ankle a good chomp before

she jumped in and roared off.

By the time it was all over, the census-taker got some stitches and

tetanus shots back in town, and a deputy sheriff saw to it that Arnold

would never hold any anti-government demonstrations again, then turned

him over to local vet to see if Arnold was rabid. He wasn’t.

The last chapter in the story explains exactly why San Francisco and

Terlingua will never meet. The man who lived in the house arrived just as

the deputy sheriff was easing the limp and lifeless Arnold into the trunk

of his patrol car.

The man was understanding and had only one request. He’d like to get

Arnold back if he wasn’t rabid. The deputy asked why.

Because, the man said, “Javelinas make good eatin’.”

It’s hard being chubby in Terlingua.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .