COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES -- peter buffa

Is it just me, or did we somehow switch places with the Australian

Outback? I admit it. I’m not a hot weather fan. But this is silly.

So far this “winter,” we’ve had an average temperature of 84 and about 10

millimeters of rain. And how about those weather reports? Dead on, as

always. The first real rain is always coming -- this weekend, or next

Tuesday, or late next week. But next week never comes.

So now what’s the problem? El Nino, La Nina, El Toro, La Traviata? What

is it? Right you are -- La Nina. But this time, she’s bigger and meaner

and colder than ever.

In fact, some scientists at JPL are predicting that this is only the

beginning of 20 years of much warmer, and much drier, winters for

Southern California and points south. At the same time, the northwest and

the east will get unheard of amounts of rain and snow.

Interestingly, the villain isn’t global warming. It all has to do with

something called “Pacific Decadal Oscillation.” Very complicated. There’s

no way a scientist like myself can explain it to a layperson like you,

but I’ll try.

If you look at infrared satellite photos of the earth, ocean water at

normal temperatures looks like green blobs. Warmer water looks like red

blobs, and cooler water looks like blue or purple blobs. Right now, there

are lots of purple blobs -- what we scientists refer to as “purple blobs”

-- out in the ocean.

When the purple blobs get real big, they make the green blobs, well, they

cause a change in the, I mean, the blue blobs get, well ... it’s bad. And

that’s how Pacific Decadal Oscillation works.

Depressing, isn’t it? I mean, I’m not asking for blizzards and ice storms

here, but a few weeks of cool air and a couple of inches of rain would be

nice.

Our one hope is that the JPL predictions came from the same crew who were

at the steering wheel for the Mars lander missions. If not, we’re looking

at 20 years of oppressive heat, drought, pestilence and plague. Just

kidding on the last two, but it’s fun to say -- “heat, drought,

pestilence and plague.”

Sorry. Anyway, if you need to know anything else about meteorology, I’m

thinking of doing my own weather Web site, o7 DenseFog.comf7 .

Speaking of cyberspace and beyond, I am very selective about things that

fall off the Internet and roll onto my desk. But two recent arrivals are

too good to pass up.

The first is a list of answers from contestants on the British version of

“Family Feud,” which is called “Family Fortunes.’ It’s nice to know that

people on the other side of the Big Pond are stumbling through life just

as we are, even the ones with those wonderful British accents.

Q: Name something a blind person might use. A: A sword. Q: Name a song

with “moon” in the title. A: Blue Suede Moon. Q: Name an occupation where

you need a torch. A: A burglar. Q:Name a famous brother and sister. A:

Bonnie & Clyde.

Q:Name a famous race. A: Arabs. Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the

Three Musketeers. A: A horse. Q: Name something that floats in the bath.

A: Water. Q: Name something red. A: My cardigan. Q: Name a famous Royal.

A: Mail. Q: Name a number you have to memorize. A: Seven.

Q: Name something in the garden that’s green. A: Shed. Q: Name something

you might be allergic to. A: Skiing. Q: Name a famous bridge. A: Bridge

over troubled waters. Q: Name a noise a cat makes. A: Peeing. Q: Name

something you do in the bathroom. A: Decorate. Q: Name a sign of the

zodiac. A: April.

Q: Name something with a hole in it. A: Window. Q: Name an inanimate

object with legs. A: A plant. Q: Name a domestic animal. A: A leopard. Q:

Name an animal you’d see in the zoo. A: A dog. Q: Name a way of cooking

fish. A: Cod. Q: Name a part of the body beginning with “n.” A: Knee.

The second is a list of answers from three regulars on the original

Hollywood Squares -- Paul Lynde, Charley Weaver and Don Knotts --

compiled by the show’s host, Peter Marshall. If you’ve seen the new show,

this is one time when older is definitely better.

“According to Movie Life, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies

soon, but her husband wants her to wait. Why?” LYNDE: He’s out of town.

“What are dual-purpose cattle?” LYNDE: They give milk, and cookies. But I

don’t recommend the cookies.

“Who would be pregnant for a longer period of time -- your wife or your

elephant?” LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

“Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them, and

has seen them himself on at least two occasions. What are they?” WEAVER:

His feet.

“If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how

high?” WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

“In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?” LYNDE: Naked and screaming like

the rest of us.

“Do female frogs croak?” LYNDE: Yes, if you hold their little heads under

water.

Well, OK. After that, there’s not much left to say, is there? I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.

E-mail him at o7 [email protected]