THROUGH MY EYES -- Ron Davis

Did you hear that the Huntington Beach City Council approved spending

$10,000 for an employees’ Christmas party, to be held Dec. 9 -- at our

own Huntington Center Mall, no less?

I’ll bet some of you probably expected me to be somewhat negative on this

expenditure. Boy, have you got me all wrong. I’m so supportive, I’ve

taken the liberty of drafting a few opening remarks that I propose the

host deliver at this employee Christmas bash.

Here goes:

“I’m delighted to see all of you this evening. It looks like the

directions we provided you to the mall worked pretty well.

We knew that you’d be able to locate the party once we told you to look

for a huge, empty parking lot surrounded by a bunch of unsuccessful

retail buildings on Edinger Avenue. Not every city can boast about having

a large retail mall available for large parties just a couple of weeks

before Christmas. You won’t find this kind of open parking and vacant

stores in Costa Mesa or Westminster. No sirree.

“One of the goals of this party is to provide an opportunity for our

employees to meet one another and understand the functions of other

employees and various city departments. I can tell you all that this

employee-information exchange program is really working. Just a few

moments ago, I overheard a couple of the employees very familiar with the

Beach Boulevard corridor who were quite surprised to learn that the city

actually does have a Planning Department.

“I also want to remind all of you that the Police Department is now

hiring new officers. Well, actually we’ve been trying to hire officers

for some time now, but because of our salary structure, we’re having

considerable difficulty. As your city, we could have resolved this

difficulty by either increasing our salary structure or lowering the

qualifications. Of course, public safety is so paramount that we did the

right thing -- we lowered the qualifications.

“No party would be complete without recognizing our crack redevelopment

team. They’re the guys at the back of the room seizing tables and chairs

when no one is looking. And the best part is, they’re placing them in

areas where they’re not wanted.

“I need to note that I’ve received some complaints that too many

employees and departments are utilizing their voicemail as a means of

avoiding talking to the public. In the future, every employee will be

required to actually take two phone calls a day from the public. Staff

has prepared cards, which you’ll find in your Christmas stocking,

containing excuses for not being able to handle the problem after you get

these calls. You’re completely free to tell the citizens, ‘I’m just

running out the door,’ or ‘I’ll have to get back to you on that,’ or

‘That’s not my department, I’ll transfer you to someone else’s

voicemail.’

“We’ve also got to do a better job about returning phone calls. We

continue to recommend that you try and return calls when you least expect

that the caller will be available. Lunch times are always good. And

returning a call to someone at work when you know they’re actually at

home, or the reverse, counts as a returned phone call.

“Finally, you’ll notice that we have the same crew here from HBTV-3 that

televises the council meetings. Don’t be alarmed when you realize that

when you’re being interviewed, the camera’s pointing at the back of

someone’s head or filming your face when someone else is speaking. Please

don’t use any charts or diagrams to illustrate a point. Our crews aren’t

trained to actually shoot the chart or diagram when people are referring

to them.

“And don’t forget about the door prize. The employee who comes up with

the biggest tax increase disguised as a fee can have his or her picture

taken with the mayor at the next City Council meeting.

“Now, lets party!”

* RON DAVIS is a private attorney who lives in Huntington Beach. He can

be reached by e-mail at [email protected].