THE BELL CURVE

Joseph N. Bell

I was undecided right up to the last minute this week whether to

write about newspaper comics or Laura Schlessinger’s efforts to rid the

world of sin -- as she defines it, of course -- by stomping on small

business owners who dare to talk back to her. Then while scanning the

list of the Pilot’s 103 movers-and-shakers in a vain search for my name,

it hit me: Since these two topics have much in common, why not combine

them in a single column?

The comics first.

Last week, I was asked by the Los Angeles Times -- along with a

million or so other readers -- to fill out a survey form telling the

people who choose what comics the Times will run, which ones I like,

hate, or feel neutral about.

Now I’m not big on surveys. I throw a dozen of them away every week,

the kind that say “you have been chosen because of your demonstrated high

intellect and good credit rating to tell the leaders of the Democratic

Party which national issues you consider the most important” -- and, of

course, to send 25 bucks if you’re a cheapskate with your survey form if

you expect your opinions to be considered. There’s a strong hint that for

$1,000, your answers would not only be read but you might even be

considered for an ambassadorship.

There were no solicitations or promises with the Times survey, only

the implied threat that if I didn’t respond, “The Wizard of Id” or “B.C.”

or “Zits” or “Crock” might be dropped. Since I have a pretty clear handle

on what’s important in the world today, I knew this was a survey I had to

answer -- and did.

I may have mentioned this before, but if I have, it’s worth repeating.

Our sharpest, most politically and socially relevant -- and irreverent --

commentary can be found today in the comic strips. Only when they take

themselves too seriously -- as “Doonesbury” sometimes does -- do they get

as stuffy and self-serving as Al Gore or George W. Bush or Chris Cox are

routinely.

Irreverence -- which, by the way, need have nothing to do with God --

is a quality of life which, along with humor, is in short supply in this

country today. It punctures stuffed egos and warmed over platitudes and

political and social hypocrisy. And the comics that catch this best are

those that stress a single idea each day rather than a running story. But

for the full effect of the irreverence, it’s important to know the

characters: the stupid platoon leader and venal commander in “Crock,” the

vapid TV reporter in “Doonesbury,” the thoughtful parents who aren’t

caricatured in “Zits.”

Now, what has all this to do with Laura Schlessinger’s running battle

with Thomas Moore, owner of a South Coast Plaza surf shop called Beach

Access? Just this. Schlessinger (the “Dr.” appended to Laura reflects --

according to Web site www.DrLaura.com/about -- a PhD in physiology at

Columbia University) is a dead ringer for Lucy in the “Peanuts” comic

strip: the aggressive, smart-mouth, abrasive know-it-all. One of the

running jokes in “Peanuts” is Lucy setting up shop to offer therapeutic

advice to the other characters. The sign above her stand reads, “The

Doctor Is In,” and Charlie Brown comes regularly to be badgered and

abused. Maybe this helps him. Apparently many of the people who call

Schlessinger are helped in the same manner. But that isn’t the issue

here.

Nor is the issue whether or not the artwork Schlessinger found in a

skateboarding magazine at Beach Access is pornographic. Since my local

library doesn’t carry the magazine, I didn’t see the picture, but from

published descriptions it sounds about as erotic as some Hallmark cards.

No, the issue to me is the manner in which Schlessinger used her power

and money to attack this shopkeeper.

Commentators with access to public media live with this temptation

every day: to take out personal vendettas within the laws of libel and

defamation in a manner not available to most of our targets. If you

suggest that’s what I’m doing here to Schlessinger, I would add this

caveat: like a fight in a school yard, it is only fair if the weapons are

of similar strength and the aggressor picks on someone his own size

capable of defending himself. By impugning the owner of a small business

over a ridiculous issue on a national telecast, Schlessinger threatened

his livelihood while breaking every rule of fair play.

Schlessinger’s second -- and enormously unfair -- advantage is money.

In our culture today, money will buy almost anything, including the use

of our justice system to punish those who offend us. I was once sued for

libel in a case I couldn’t possibly lose in court but could lose badly in

my bank account. The people suing me had plenty of money to pursue this

case all the way to a jury trial where I was finally vindicated. Had the

magazine involved been dropped from the case, the legal costs of

defending myself and the time lost from work would have been devastating.

Thomas Moore is now being sued by Schlessinger for $1 million damages

which she -- according to news reports -- is willing to “deflate” if

Moore agrees to apologize for allegedly calling her a liar. This guy, who

a few weeks ago was minding his own business and had the misfortune to

have on the premises a magazine published by Schlessinger’s archenemy,

Larry Flynt, when she came to visit, is now the bad guy.

So go figure. The comics make a lot more sense.

* JOSEPH N. BELL is a Santa Ana Heights resident. His column runs

Thursdays.