THROUGH MY EYES

Ron Davis

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times -- never rely on

public officials. We all know that a portion of Huntington Beach was

closed on July 1. Then in August, the beach was closed all the way to

Goldenwest Street. Based on the difficulty of locating the source of the

elusive effusive, it looked like a pretty good bet that the beach was

going to remain closed all the way through Labor day.

I relied on that continued closure. I relied on the continued presence

of sickening bacteria in the waters. That’s why I invited the in-laws to

visit from Riverside County. I knew that they probably hadn’t heard about

the closure and most importantly, the BACTERIA.

What a golden opportunity to take the in-laws down for a ‘pleasant’

dip at the beach. The more I thought about it, the more appealing the

plan. After their swim through the contaminants, I imagined them with all

sorts of gastrointestinal problems. Stomach problems which would exhaust

the supply of Pepto-Bismol in Huntington Beach and force them to retreat

to their home in Riverside County -- never to return to Huntington Beach,

and in particular, my home, again. I admit, the plan was a little sick,

but again, that’s why it was so perfect.

The health guys and other public officials let me down. By the time

the in-laws arrived, the beach had been reopened. The bacteria had

evaporated like my in-laws when the check arrives, and with it, my

sinister plan.

Into the water they went, with eyes wide open and mouths agape, which

under my preferred circumstances, would have been the nesting place for a

sickening bacteria. Alas, my only hope rested with some errant piece of

bacteria which might have lost its way -- still lurking near the pier and

ready to ambush the in-laws. No such luck.

My well-conceived plan had completely backfired.

Oh, there was sickness -- real, real serious illness. My stomach was

turning like a politician at a baby-kissing contest as they told me how

much they enjoyed our beach and, get this, looked forward to their next

visit. Next visit? Oh, bring me my airsickness bag.

Completely and positively unreliable -- that’s what those public

officials are. I relied on them to have more red tape than a gift wrap

store. It should have taken them months to reopen the beach.

I expected the public officials to assign investigators who couldn’t

fathom why they were getting wet in the shower, let alone locate the

source of the problem.

And what did they do? I’ll tell you what they did. They jumped on the

problem like a lawyer at the scene of an accident. They worked overtime.

They worked efficiently. They worked responsibly. They did everything in

their power to find the source of the contamination and ensure that the

waters at our beach were as safe as they could be.

Safe for you. Safe for me. And, worst of all, safe for the in-laws.

By opening the beach, they most certainly jeopardized health. Not

yours. Not my in-laws’. But mine. I haven’t felt this sick since the

election. I get nauseous every time I think of their smiling faces

telling me how excited they are about their return trip to my home and

Huntington Beach.

I’ve got a serious and important suggestion for you public officials

responsible for all the hard work in solving these enormous problems and

for disrupting my in-law aversion-therapy. Next time -- announce it when

you’re going to do things the right way.

* RON DAVIS is a private attorney who lives in Huntington Beach. He can

be reached by e-mail at o7 [email protected] .