Memoir ‘Are You Kidding? A Life’ tells story of 6 turbulent decades in 1 gay man’s life
Bob May was 70 years old, stuck at home during the pandemic in 2020 and playing card games in an all-gay online forum when one of the younger members — a man in his 20s — posed an intriguing question.
“What’s the big deal with the Beatles?” the man, named Sam, asked the group.
The question surprised May, a Costa Mesa retiree who’d not only loved the Fab Four but considered them a cultural touchstone for those who’d been raised within the strict confines of the 1950s but felt called to something more expansive.
“They were basically the soundtrack of my life,” May, now 73, recalled in an interview Tuesday. “What the Beatles were was different from everything else that had come before that time.”
When pandemic restrictions had receded somewhat, May and his fellow Beatles-loving friend Jim had a socially distanced sit-down with Sam and his friend, Trevor.
The topic of conversation began with the Beatles but quickly widened to include May’s experiences as a closeted gay youth growing up in conservative Orange County in the 1960s, his being locked out of the house at 18 after his parents accidentally discovered his sexual identity and how he would come to learn via a Red Cross form letter he’d contracted the HIV virus after he’d tried to donate blood.
“They had very little understanding of what my childhood was like,” he said, adding after each anecdote he shared, his young friends responded with “Are you kidding?”
“All of a sudden I thought, I have a story to tell.”
The pandemic gave May the time and space to reflect on his life in a series of essays that would eventually be transformed into a memoir aptly named “Are You Kidding? A Life.”
Initially submitted to on-demand self-publishing company IngramSpark in 2021, the autobiographical work has since been made into a paperback and e-book format available through Amazon, GoodReads and Barnes & Noble’s online portal.
May will make a rare in-person appearance Thursday at 6 p.m. at the Barnes & Noble Bookstore at Huntington Beach’s Bella Terra shopping plaza on Edinger Avenue, where he will read excerpts from the memoir and sign copies for those who attend.
“I’m considering this the long-delayed launch I didn’t have in 2021 because of COVID,” said May, who’s currently making “Are You Kidding?” an audio book. “Now seems to be the right time.”
The book’s 318 pages introduces readers to May, who grew up as the oldest of three siblings in a strict Southern Baptist household where the Lawrence Welk show was on TV every weekend and father Dick was constantly working.
May describes his book as “one gay man’s humorous and mind-boggling remembrance of 70 years from Eisenhower to COVID-19” that includes his coming to terms with his sexual identity and pursuing acting while working for the AAA’s Auto Club of Southern California, a career he held for some 35 years.
A self-professed “ham” and unapologetic extrovert, the author writes frankly about the AIDS pandemic, substance abuse and depression and his battle with the long-term side effects of life-saving antiretroviral drugs.
“When this first started, [HIV] was a death sentence,” May recalled of his diagnosis. “There was no therapy, there was no protection or knowledge. All I knew was people around me were dying like flies. I was scared.”
Nonetheless, he continued to work at the Auto Club while seeking acting jobs, chancing into a regular character spot on Gourmet Detective, an interactive murder mystery/comedy show, where he remained for 25 years.
Mack Gilliland, who was heading Garden Grove High School’s drama department in the 1970s when May’s community theater group used the stage to put on a production of “Christmas Carol,” called his friend a wonderful character actor with great gifts and a penchant for bringing magic to the stage.
The pair would meet several years later at an AIDS and HIV-related support group where their friendship blossomed. May eventually invited Gilliland to play piano with Gourmet Detective, a job he held for 10 years.
Today, the old friends describe themselves as Statler and Waldorf, the grumpy old-men Muppet characters who sit in the balcony and heckle the productions below.
“[Bob] is a dear person,” said Gilliland, 81. “He’s such a congenital extrovert, he can talk to anyone about anything and has no hesitations about sharing himself.”
So, it was no surprise when the Diamond Bar resident learned about “Are You Kidding?” He even helped edit some of the chapters. Gilliland said the book paints a portrait of a young man growing up in fear — of homophobia and disapproval, being drafted to serve during wartime, the scourge of AIDS — and overcoming challenges to make a life for himself.
The Beatles, he said, provided a perfect backdrop to all of that.
“The Beatles were always a big thing, because that helped him articulate, to find his authentic self. The song ‘We Can Work It Out,’ especially hit a thread with him. That’s what pop music can do for young people — it can help them find themselves.”
Although his memoir is beginning to gain some traction, May said he doesn’t envision himself as an author. Instead, he sees himself as someone who had a story inside him and wanted to put it out into the world.
“I’m coming to the end of my life, and I think it’s been an interesting life,” he surmised. “I’ve learned a lot, been through a lot and have come out the other side pretty OK, and I think I should share that with others. That’s my story.”
Barnes & Noble at Bella Terra is located at 7881 Edinger Ave. #110, in Huntington Beach. For more on May’s book, visit areyoukiddingalifebybobmay.godaddysites.com.
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