Hansen: What’s hot for 2012
If you thought 2011 was an interesting year in Laguna Beach, wait until you see what’s coming. Here are the hot predictions for next year’s news.
Out: Fireworks
In: Fireworks smackdown
Faced with continuing funding problems over fireworks, the city of Laguna Beach will simply annex Emerald Bay using eminent domain and steal its fireworks show.
Out: Art Walk
In: Wine tastings while standing near art
In 2012, Laguna Beach galleries will finally admit that during Art Walk, the better the wine, the better the party.
Out: Flooding
In: Panga rides during floods
The city has been stockpiling all the pangas used to ferry illegal immigrants and plans to issue the boats during the inevitable floods.
Out: Parking cops
In: Tracking devices
Tired of alleged bullying by Laguna Beach parking patrols, residents have secretly tagged the patrol buggies with GPS devices. Real-time monitoring will be available online.
Out: Laguna lobster
In: Trader Joe’s Lobster Ravioli
Why risk getting caught fishing off Laguna Beach when you can buy “sustainable seafood” from Trader Joe’s?
Out: Open-space taxes
In: Adopt a power line
A new petition will emerge to eliminate those pesky power lines that obscure our ocean views. Residents will have to “adopt” a power line, roll the dice and pay seven times the amount shown to the nearest utility.
Out: Chipotle, KFC and any other affordable restaurant
In: Truffle mascarpone agnolotti, salmon sashimi with caviar and other names you can’t pronounce.
Trendy, expensive appetizers or grazing plates are now being marketed with happy hour specials. Why get a full plate when you can get half the food for the same price?
Out: Tony Iseman
In: Jane Egly
Egly plans on using the ribbon-cutting scissors to slash downtown car tires, hoping to expedite the Complete Streets movement.
Out: Pedestrians
In: Pedestrian safety gear
There is a new technology — being developed in a secret lab in Laguna Canyon — that will provide pedestrians with car-proof force fields so they can safely brave our crosswalks.
Out: Red palm weevil
In: Electric eucalyptus eel
The Asian beetle scare turned out to be a dud, but enterprising residents frustrated over eucalyptus trees blocking their views have learned that the electric eucalyptus eel is very effective at killing the trees. Bonus: Everyone can blame Southern California Edison.
Out: Surfing
In: Stand-up paddleboarding
Let’s face it: Most people can’t surf. But who can’t stand up on a barge the size of Nebraska?
Out: Skateboarders
In: Skateboarders imitating stand-up paddleboarders
Hoping to avoid arrest, skateboarders will be carrying the wooden SUP paddles while they skate, calling themselves “land SUPers.”
Out: Public murals
In: Graffiti art
Bored LCAD students decide to shake things up with cutting-edge street art in Laguna. And because no one will remember what the original mural was, there is no prosecution.
Out: DUIs
In: Free rides home
Laguna Beach police will announce that they have arrested everyone for DUI at least once within a 30-mile radius, so area bars and restaurants will start driving their patrons home as a courtesy.
Out: Homeless
In: Reality-show homeless
Coming to cable, watch as our colorful homeless live in the Laguna Beach Transition Mansion, steps away from the beach. But not in anyone’s backyard.
Out: Residents
In: Tourists
No one actually lives in Laguna Beach anymore because it’s too expensive. Everyone is a tourist or plays one on TV.
DAVID HANSEN is a writer and Laguna Beach resident. He can be reached at [email protected].